I had some extra time over the relaxing Memorial Day weekend, and I did something that simultaneously baffles me and makes me laugh.
I cleaned out my purse.
Over the years, my purses have evolved from small little clutches that fit under my armpit, to enormous, knapsack-like purses into which I could stuff a few of my children.
Not that I would.
Even my own mother doesn’t understand my preference for the large purse, but I think it’s quite simple.
The bigger the purse, the more crap you can tote around with you on a daily basis.
And I mean crap.
As I said, I started to clean out my purse this past weekend, but I was shocked at what I found. Apparently, inside I’m a mess.
At least inside my purse.
I just had to share it with the world, and I hope you can relate.
Here is the pile in all its glory:
Let me break it down for you.
Cheese stick, anyone? Upon closer inspection, I discovered that it is actually not expired yet. It’s a little warm, slightly mushy, and might distress your stomach for a few days, but it’s yours for the taking!
Charlie and Henry earned their Wolf and Tiger cub badges. I’m so proud. However, instead of displaying these hard-won badges with pride, they landed in the bottom of my purse, and haven’t seen the light of day in weeks.
In the Health and Beauty aisle of my purse, you will find two of Mom’s favorite helpers: migraine-strength acetaminophen and hand sanitizer. Migraines are a downside of this job, but a gal’s gotta be prepared. And I figure I should at least sanitize my childrens' hands before they pick their noses, right?
Here we will find an assortment of wrappers, and uneaten snacks. If you notice, the granola bar has the top corners of the wrapper ripped off. What happened there? Did I decide to eat it, then decide against it? What was the battle in my mind at that moment?
Who cares? I decided to eat it as I continued to clean out my purse.
Hey, don't judge me.
Seriously. How many lipsticks do I need? And why are they all versions of the same color?
I'm just sayin'.
Seven Bed Bath and Beyond coupons? These are huge, by the way. Is this size really necessary, Bed Bath and Beyond? And do I really need seven of them? I guess my thought process on this one is that I have a few weddings to go to this summer, and I need to be armed and ready with my coupon savings at all times. God forbid I carry less than seven of them.
Now that would be a tragedy for this bargain-hunter.
This one made me laugh. The name of the salon is on the front, and it’s a reminder card for a hair appointment. But the card has no reminder whatsoever. Service? Don’t know. Time? Your guess is as good as mine. Day of the week? Figure it out yourself, lady.
Thanks for nothing, reminder card.
Superman doesn’t ask for much. He just wants to live a life free of kryptonite, and he wants to be able to do his job saving the planet. Unfortunately, he’s been stuck at the bottom of my messy purse for so long that he’s looking a little peeved, to say the least.
Next we find a pacifier. Now that seems like a logical thing for a mom to have at the bottom of her purse, doesn't it? However, Annabel is 2, so we’re trying to wean her off of it. On the other hand, I have to be ready in case she needs her fix.
Gotta feed the latex addiction.
In the Accessories Department of Clare’s purse, you will find two bracelets, two earrings, and a funky black stone ring. Notice the gum shards stuck to the outside of the bangle.
Of course, what mother’s purse would be complete without the requisite Matchbox car? A Matchbox car with chunks of unchewed gum stuck to the body, that is. Mmmmm...tasty and fun to play with.
A wadded up piece of toilet paper? What can I say? I had a cold recently and ran out of tissues. A girl’s gotta be resourceful. Two-ply Charmin to the rescue.
Hair accessories! That’s normal, right? Not sure that the bobby pin will work anymore, but I’m a fan of the comb with the stick at the end. It looks like something that you would stick in the back pocket of your jeans, circa 1983. Not sure what the stick does, but I’ve been looking for this comb. I’m glad I found it.
Here we have two random lists. Ironically, I was looking for the top list recently and misplaced it. I had to make a new list, and one of the things on my list was to find this list because it had lots of “to dos” on it. Huh.
And finally, I found a medicine cup. It has dried up Children's Motrin in the bottom of it. Gross. No excuses for this one. Not sure how it ended up in the vortex of my purse, but I take full responsibility.
We tell men that it's inappropriate to ever go into a woman's purse uninvited. We try to make them think it's bad manners, but we really tell them that because we just don't want them to see what huge slobs we can be.
My kids are infomercial junkies, and they got sucked into the spiel about the Buxton Organizer. They wanted to buy it for me for my birthday. Thankfully, Bill talked them out of it.
But Henry was very excited that I could potentially fit two water bottles in my purse.
Doesn't he know that I can do that already? I just might not be able to find them so easily. And gum might get stuck to the sides of them. And hey, what's the fun of an organized purse?
Besides, I don't think there's room for Superman in the unfashionable, but oh-so-useful Buxton organizer.