Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Hit the bullseye!

I measured my toilet bowl today.

I can check that one off the list of things I thought I would never do.

I have an average-sized toilet. It’s plain white porcelain with an average, plastic white seat. You’d probably find a similar one in many American homes.

If you lift up the toilet seat, the oval-shaped bowl measures 14 inches in length by 11 inches in width. Again, I’m assuming it’s very average.

However, something is wrong. I must need bigger toilets in my home, because my boys consistently miss the bowl.

What, you may ask, made me want to measure my toilet bowl? Well, when I went in the bathroom this afternoon, I went in wearing two white socks on my feet. When I came out of the bathroom a few moments later, one sock had turned a dark shade of yellow in the toe area. Yuck.

I just don’t get it. Boys are able to steer that body part the direction they want it to, yet they can’t hit a target that is 14 inches by 11 inches? Really? There's even a round hole in the bottom of the toilet that's like a bullseye. Still can't hit that?

When I went to get some paper towels and the bleach cleaner to clean up the floor, as usual I noticed that there was urine caked around the base of the toilet. Can I get another “yuck”?

Apparently a company has caught on to the phenomenon of men and boys peeing on the floor because they have invented a triangle-shaped mop that is perfect for getting in that particular crevice at the base of the toilet. Genius.

When I say that peeing on the floor is a phenomenon, I do not joke. Someone has even invented little dissolvable foam pieces that you can drop in the toilet when you are toilet training a boy. Just call it target practice. Personally I think they are a waste of money. Cheerios can serve the same purpose.

However, I am not currently potty-training a boy. I have started to potty-train Annabel, but I know that she is not the floor-peeing culprit. Anatomy would make that a little difficult. I guess I could blame the seven other males that were at my house for Charlie’s First Communion party this past weekend, but the toilets and bathroom floors would have looked like that party or no party. My little guys are to blame.

About a month ago, one of my boys was sick. He was sleeping on and off throughout the day, and he fell asleep on the couch in the family room. At some point during his long nap, he stood up, walked into the kitchen, pushed aside a barstool, and thinking it was a toilet, peed all over the floor.

I tried to stop him, but since he was half asleep he didn’t hear me. I didn’t want to move him to the bathroom and have him pee all over the carpets while walking him there, so I just let him finish up at the barstool aka "toilet".

As I mopped the floor, I realized that boys just don’t care about things like aim, and actually getting their “business” in the proper place. They just want to empty their bladders, and that’s it.

I think I am going to try and teach them a lesson by making them clean it up on their own. Perhaps it will influence them to try and hit the target next time.

One can only hope.

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