Since my favorite genre of television lately seems to be reality, I have wondered what my life would be like as a reality show. Not that I have any desire to be on a reality show, but I just let my brain wander there from time to time. (And let's just get it in writing that if ANY of my kids show up on "Rock of Love" or anything like it in the future, I will have failed. That's it. Sayonara and hasta la vista Clare.)
Our show probably wouldn’t be that exciting, and I’m sure the ratings would be low. After all, who really wants to tune in to see me fill and empty the dishwasher 800 times a day? (I know my life is much more than this, but some days it feels like this is all I do. Over and over and over again. Until I could scream. Which I sometimes do, because I just cannot STAND that little bit of Elmers Glue-like sauce that will not wash off that ceramic bowl NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU WASH IT. Not that it bothers me much, right?) But I would love to see how the producers would edit my family to make our lives seem more titillating to the average audience.
Of course, everyone that is on a reality show complains that they were edited poorly, or the things they said were taken out of context. But the words came out of their mouths, so they did say them at some point, didn’t they?
Today Charlie, Henry, and George were riding their bikes up and down our block singing very loudly, “I like ‘em big! I like ‘em juicy! I like ‘em big! I like ‘em plumpy!”
You know, just your ordinary children’s song.
No, my children do not have an inappropriate fetish. They are just singing a version of a song from “Madagascar 2”. Totally innocent and harmless. But see how that can be taken out of context?
Yesterday they were setting the table for dinner, and they must have been hopped up on something because they were more hyper than usual.
Someone suggested a butt-sniffing contest.
Ugh. The brain of a boy.
I'll say it again. You cannot make this stuff up.
I swiftly intervened and yelled, (with all the windows open on a particularly breezy and cool Sunday afternoon) “Nobody is going to sniff anybody’s butt in this house!!! NO butt-sniffing!!!”
Is that TMI enough for you?
What must my neighbors think?
I'm sure if there was a camera on me, they’d replay that single butt-sniffing line repeatedly and show me yelling it with a snarl on my face. But they wouldn’t show the whole family in a fit of laughter about two seconds later as we all realized what I just said and how hilarious it was.
Yet another reason to never do a reality show.
Not that we have any offers. Or any interest.
I’m just sayin’.