Thursday, August 20, 2009


It's a great day today.

I know it's only about 1:00 p.m. as I write this, and my day could take a crappy turn for the worse, but so far, so good.

I splurged on a 60-minute massage this morning at the spa and it was worth every penny. Did I mention they had free babysitting too? So yeah. No complaints here.

Migraines are the bane of my existence. I only get them a few times a month, but when I do, it totally knocks me out for at least a day. Well, I don't have the luxury of anything knocking me out exactly, since someone has to take care of these kids and drive them to school and activities, but I usually walk around in a stupor, not talking much to anyone and lamenting the fact that the world is way too bright during the day. Can we turn down that sunlight a bit please?

I always love when people say, "Oh, migraines? I don't think I've ever had one of those. In fact, I don't usually ever get headaches."

Okay, first of all, shut up. Secondly, you will know if you've had a migraine. Believe me. There is no questioning, " head hurts a little bit. I wonder if it's one of those things they call a migraine headache?" No, it's not like that at all.

There is a distinct difference between a headache and a migraine. If you want to know what a migraine feels like, go to Home Depot and buy the largest "C" clamp you can find. Unscrew it to the widest it will allow, then stick your head in it. Screw it back tightly, to the point where you are just about to crack your skull, but not to the point where you start seeping brain matter. After you have successfully done that, go to your garage and get the jumper cables used to start your car battery and clamp them tightly on your ears. (Not on the fleshy earlobe part of your ear, but the rigid cartilage at the top.) Now here's the next step and it's an important one: Have someone shine two of the brightest flashlights you can find directly into your eyes. If your retinas are burning, then you are doing it right. To finish it off, have your children scream as loudly as they can, for as long as they can, directly into your ears. Shattered eardrums are a plus. And then whack yourself in the head 100 times with a lead pipe. Extra credit: If you want to simulate the nausea that sometimes accompanies a migraine, it would help if you did all of the above while on a choppy boat ride or on an upside-down roller coaster ride.

There you have it. A migraine cooked to order.

Back to my great day.

People always talk about what they would do if they won they lottery and it usually involves bigger houses, cars, boats, etc. But if I won the lottery, you can have your stinkin' Ferrari. I would splurge on a masseuse to come to my house every single day for an hour to work out the kinks. In fact, I would build a sound-proof room in my home with a dimmer switch set to low lighting and in there I would play Enya on repeat. What is it about that music that is so annoying in any other instance but in a massage room? Oooooohm. Orinoco Flow.

I have gotten about a dozen massages in my lifetime, but it had been about a year since my last one. They always feel so self-indulgent, but my 35th birthday is tomorrow, so what the hey? The masseuse said to me as she was working on my neck,"Wow. You have so many knots in your neck! Have you ever been in a major car accident?"

No. I just have kids. And a penchant for migraine headaches.

Then she proceeded to apply pressure to the knots, which hurt at first, but felt like little bubbles popping in my neck. Then she said, "Well then you must store all your tension in your neck area. Are you stressed out a lot?"

Ya think?

No offense, but please stop talking, masseuse. Just work your magic.

After it was all done and I had to walk out into the harsh sunlight, I still felt good. Could I just have one of these every single day please? Because now I feel all loosey-goosey, (one of my Dad's favorite terms) like nothing could ever bother me again.

I swear to you that when we got home and I was making lunch and everyone was hungry at the same time and it was chaos as usual, I just let it roll off my back and I said, "Dudes. Chill out." That's how good I felt.

If the hot-water heater exploded right now in the basement and shot a huge plume of water I would just be all, "Wow kids. Look at the pretty fountain. Let's throw pennies in it." That's how good I feel.

It probably wouldn't be a good thing to be this loosey-goosey all the time though because it's kind of like being drunk, but without the visual impairment and the drunken Facebook status updates. (Not that I would ever do anything like that. I've just heard of friends who have.) I have loads of laundry right now calling out my name in all their stinky glory, but I'm just going to sit here and update my blog because it's naptime and the boys are all playing nicely and because I don't feel like functioning in a domestic capacity.

Do you think if I write a letter to my senator and ask him to add "free monthly massages for all moms" to the health care reform bill that taxpayers would cover that?

'Cause I would totally vote for that.

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