Saturday, August 22, 2009

Livin' in a Kidz Bop world.

If you are one of the privileged few, (and believe me, it's quite an elite group) to be friends with me on Facebook, you might have seen a status update of mine last week:

(my name) "would like to thank Kidz Bop for continuing to ruin songs that I used to actually like at one point. Bravo."

I wrote that on Wednesday morning. I was inspired to write it, because I was cleaning up the breakfast dishes and a few of my kids were getting their morning dose of Nick Jr. Suddenly I heard a commercial for Kidz Bop, and the song, "Fire Burning".

Only it wasn't Sean Kingston singing it, it was those not-so-lovable scamps, the "Kidz Bop Kidz." (Need I remind you how I feel about pluralizing with a "z"? Is my rant against those Bratz chicks ringing a bell with you?) It was quite mind-numbing in all of its glory, what with them trilling in their high-pitched-haven't-hit-puberty-yet voices, "Somebody call 9-1-1! Shorty fire burning on the dance floor..." Yes, they sang, "shorty" instead of the correct pronunciation of the word, "shawty." 'Sup with the proper grammar, Kidz Bop Kidz? I thought you'd be down with "shawty" since you think it's cool to pluralize with a "z".

Yet another song ruined by a bunch of "shawties" singing "shorty" instead of "shawty".

Not that "Fire Burning" is a great song, exactly, but it does rev me up when I have to get my butt motivated on the elliptical. And don't the shorties have enough of their own crappy music to ruin, rather than taking songs that are just fine the way they are and ruining those too?

I'm sure the Jonas Brothers have enough sappy drivel to botch up, and how about that Miley Cyrus? A few of her songs actually sound better when sung by the Kidz. And it's just a matter of time until that bonus Jonas, Frankie, gets his own record deal, so there's that to look forward to.

How sad is it that I know there's a bonus Jonas? And I know that his name is Frankie? And I knew that without googling it first? And I also know that the other three are named Kevin, Joe and Nick? Aaaaand I just put them in order of their age.

Jealous much?

If you just read the above and asked yourself, "What's a Jonas brother?" then I applaud you for having a life. But I don't want to hear your bragging. Just go back to listening to the Fray and Coldplay and Kings of Leon in all your smugness.

The kids and I have dance parties and we all listen to almost everything that's on my iPod, which is an eclectic mix of rap, country, alternative, Top 40 and the old classics like Michael Buble, Frank Sinatra, etc. Their current favorite song is "I Gotta Feeling" by the Black-Eyed Peas. I used to like this song, but after hearing it 8,472 times recently, not so much anymore.

But these are all sung by adults, and even though the themes are geared towards adults, they go right over my kids' heads. However, there's just something that's so ridiculous about the "Kidz" singing the same songs. Why the need?

One of the most hilarious renditions of a real song that has been swiped by Kidz Bop is "1985", which was originally recorded by the band Bowling for Soup. Most of the songs that the Kidz sing have lyrics that are mostly inappropriate for little kids to sing. But do you think that stops those little rapscallions from singing them anyway? Unfortunately for parents everywhere, no, it does not.

Check out these lyrics to "1985".

Debbie just hit the wall
She's never had it all
One Prozac a day
Husband's a CPA

(Um, kidz, don't do drugs. Unless they're prescribed by your doctor in the form of a happy pill. And even though being a CPA is a perfectly respectable job, apparently it makes your Mommy depressed. So never go into that line of work. Mmmmkay?)

Her dreams went out the door
When she turned 24
Only been with one man
What happened to her plan?

(Okay, I know that 24 is about 14-16 years away for most of you kidz, but never fear, once you hit 24, your life is over. All your dreams go out the door. You are officially old.
"Only been with one man"? It's so heartwarming to hear little voices singing in chorus and lamenting the fact that they are not slutty enough.)

She was gonna be an actress
She was gonna be a star
She was gonna shake it fast
On the hood of Whitesnake's car

(I love how they changed the original words of "shake her ass," to "shake it fast" for the purpose of turning it into a kids song. Those whippersnappers got one over on us again! But for all you 8-year old girls out there, listen up and take notes. You are a failure unless you've shaken it on the hood of a heavy metal band's car. Heavy metal was a type of music in the 1980s, which was a decade last century. Whitesnake was a heavy metal band, and they are old enough to be your fathers. Maybe even your grandfathers. They are not a type of reptile.)

Her yellow SUV
Is now the enemy
Looks at her average life
And nothin' has been alright

(As your generation well knows, SUVs are the enemy. They are *gasp* gas-guzzlers. A big no-no. Besides, all your booster seats fit better in your mom's minivan.)

Springsteen, Madonna
Way before Nirvana
There was U2 and Blondie
And music still on MTV

(Springsteen? Madonna? U2? Blondie? This is all jibberish to you, isn't it? I refuse to explain who these people are. Go ask your grandmothers.
And yes, you might want to sit down for this one. Once upon a time, MTV used to actually play music videos. When did they have time to play "My Super Sweet Sixteen", "16 and Pregnant" and "A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila," you ask? Go to your rooms. You are grounded. You're way too young to even know what MTV is, let alone any of those shows. Shame on you.)

Her two kids, in high school
They tell her that she's uncool
'Cause she's still preoccupied
With 19, 19, 1985

(First of all, high school is this big building you get to go to after you finish about 6 more years of grade school.
1985 was a year back in the old millenium. We used to number the years with a "19" in front of them instead of a "20". You weren't even an embryo back in 1985.)

A few months ago McDonald's gave out Kidz Bop cds with Happy Meals instead of toys. It was our first foray into contributing to the Kidz Bop empire. The songs are also as annoying as I thought they would be, but my kids love them because it's cool to like Kidz Bop at their age. Actually, I was relieved to see these cds in the box instead of yet another plastic toy that will just end up wedged between the seats and the floor of my minivan.

Not that I'm a fan of Kidz Bop by any means.

But someone has to give those Wiggles a run for their money.

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