Monday, January 11, 2010

Listen up, young single ladies, and listen up good.

Listen up single ladies in your twenties.

Listen up and take notes.

I know your life is exciting and all party-party, but I am here to tell you that the young, single life may seem titillating and electrifying now, but just wait until you are thirtysomething, married, living in the suburbs and have popped out a few kids. Because let me tell you what I did last week, on one afternoon, (probably around the same time that you were texting your peeps to decide where you were going to meet for Happy Hour) that left me all a-tingle.

I bought a brand-new vacuum cleaner.

Oh yeah.

What? That's not exciting, you say? Did you hear the part where I said it is brand-new? Yes, it is brand-new, black, shiny, and sleek. Kind of like those new Manolo Blahnik black patent leather pumps that you just blew a week's salary on. And hold onto your Cosmos, twentysomethings, because get this. It is bagless. BAG. LESS. As in, there is no messy bag to take out, just a clear plastic canister.

Perhaps I shouldn't have used the word, "exciting", because "thrilling" captures the essence of this day more appropriately. Yes, the thrills never stop at our house. Nothing but the best for us.

I danced and sang as I vacuumed and glided across the floor, kind of like you do at the clubs. "Puh-puh-puh-Poker Face, puh-puh Poker Face..." I know this song by Lady Gaga sounds all cool when it's thumping on the sound system at the club, but let me tell you, it sounds even better blasting from my iPod in the kitchen, accompanied by the sound of stray Legos being sucked up the vacuum. Clunk...Poker Face...clunk.

But if that doesn't totally get your blood flowing as it does for me, get a load of my next major purchase: The Bissell Pro Heat 2X Steam Cleaner.

I know! Manolo, who? Jimmy Choo, what? Right?

See. I knew that would pique your interest a bit. So you know how you and your girls borrow each other's clothing and purses now? Well, someday if you are lucky, you and your girls will borrow each other's steam cleaners. Because that is exactly what I did, right before Christmas.

Several months ago, I hired a local carpet cleaning company to clean all the carpet and upholstery at Casa de Four Kids Live Here. After all the Scotchguarding treatments, (like I said, only the BEST for us) the total cost came to $550.00. Gulp.

Do you know how many Jimmy Choos you can buy for $550.00?

Actually, that's a trick question, because you can buy like ONE pair of Jimmy Choos for that price. And really, at your age, that's just irresponsible spending. Save it for a rainy day, ladies!

Once you are a mom, you will think, "Do you know how far that $550 will go at that sale at Gap Kids? The answer: much farther than one pair of shoes. Or, if you are an even savvier mom shopper, you will get twice as much at Old Navy or Kohl's. And we are talking BAGS of clothing and goodies here, ladies. BAGS. Yeah, the bags might not be sleek cardboard ones that have those pretty rope-like handles that fit over your shoulders, a la the ones at Saks, because our shopping bags are plastic and crinkly, but you will have quite a bit of loot to show for it. Quite a bit.

Back to carpet cleaning.

After reluctantly paying $550 for carpet-cleaning, and realizing that with four kids, I will need my carpets cleaned every 3 months or so, I noticed that my friend Becky had a steam cleaner, and I asked to borrow it to see if they lived up to the hype.

Moment of silence.

Sorry. I was just speechless there for a minute. Recalling the exact moment that the Bissell ProHeat 2X came into my life does that to me.

I cleaned EVERY inch of carpet in this house and most of the upholstery with that mother. I texted Bill all giddy-like with proclamations such as, "I am in love, and his name is Bissell."

Coincidentally, or maybe not, both my new vacuum cleaner and the steam cleaner are named Bissell. So while you have a thing for those bad boys named "Steve" or "Mark", I have a thing for a guy named Bissell. And he's so bad he's good. He does dirty things around here like suck up dirt.

Ladies, ladies, ladies. I know you are all giddy about checking out the biceps of that hot guy you are into, but that has NOTHING on watching dirty water fill up into a canister in your steam cleaner. You will think, "I CANNOT believe that all that dirt was in my floors! And I just sucked it up all by myself! With a steam cleaner! And once I buy my own, I can do it any old time I want to!"

So yeah. It will be $279.99 well spent. Minus a coupon for extra savings. AND? Maybe a rebate too, if I get really lucky.

Jealous, much?

Sorry, ladies. All this glamour is mine alone.

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