Tuesday, February 9, 2010

On dilemmas, DVR timers, and the Bachelor.

I had a marital dilemma last night.

There were three shows scheduled to record at 8:00 p.m. on our DVR. The DVR can only tape two shows at a time. The shows scheduled to record were:

1.) How I Met Your Mother.

I was definitely not going to erase that timer. Bill and I love that show. There are a few shows that we watch together, and this is one of them. Great news for Barney Stinson and crew: you have been spared. Suit up, Barney.

2.) Chuck.

Yet another show that Bill and I watch together. Chuck, the Geek/Nerd Herd Employee/Spy for the CIA brings the funny. And I have pretty high standards for funny, so normally, I would spare it from being deleted. Priorities and all. But here is the other show where my marital dilemma occurred.

3.) The Bachelor: On The Wings of Love/A Goober Gets His Gal.

Dude. It's like, am I going to run 25.2 miles of a marathon, and then be all, "Naw. I'm bored. I'll stop here."? No, I am not. Did the ancient Egyptians get towards the end of building the pyramids and get all, "Yeah, I know this thing has taken us 25 years to build, and we have been lugging these unwieldy, large, stone blocks up and down this inclined, triangular shape for most of our lives, but this last block? Not doing it. Because this is heavy, you guys." No, they did not.

And that is the true story of why Clare chose The Bachelor to record instead of Chuck on Monday night. But Clare also decided not to tell her husband Bill that she didn't tape one of his favorite shows. Until right now.

Honey? I taped The Bachelor instead of Chuck. Please forgive me. I'm sure you'll find a way to move on. I'm not gonna lie and say that I'm never going to do it again, but how about I make it up to you by letting you cut into my Lifetime Movie on a random, rainy, boring Saturday afternoon with a basketball game that you would rather watch? Sound fair? We're good.

Let's face it, you guys. As much as I hate to admit it, the Bachelor is my JAM. I just couldn't bring myself to not pick that timer over Chuck. The show is annoying, I complain about it but still. It is my jam, and I feel that it is my duty to see it through to the end.

Of course, I am jealous of all you people with your truly intellectual shows like, "Lost", but I just couldn't get into it. I have tried more than once to watch that show, just so I could be a part of the crew that gets to say, "Did you watch 'Lost' last night? So good! But why didn't they answer any questions?!?" An elite group of cool kids watches 'Lost', and...sigh...by those standards, I am not a cool kid. Because here's the thing. I do not speak for all moms, but THIS mom is exhausted by the end of the day, and could use a few laughs and inanity. The only castaways that my brain might have the energy to figure out is led by a gangly guy named Gilligan. So last year when I watched a recap for 'Lost', my brain just couldn't get past the fat guy on that show. Because really. If you're stranded on an island for more than a week, drinking coconut juice and eating the occasional fish, the weight is going to fly off. It's the ultimate low-carb diet. And that guy looks like he just licked his chops after he ate a whole side of beef.

Soooo unrealistic.

Back to things are realistic. Kind of.

I am so proud of myself, because I totally resisted buying this when I was at the grocery store with Annabel yesterday.



Yep. I soooo wanted to find out which "Glee" cast member that the overrated Taylor Swift is dating. "Glee" is where it's at, people, and there would be no DVR dilemma with that show. No stinkin' Bachelor could ever make me delete that timer, because it is hi-lar-i-ous, in an intellectual, subtly humorous, very sharp, quick-witted way. It's like my own little intellectual 'Lost', but I don't have to get a study guide out to watch it.

Unfortunately, I never got to find out which one Taylor is dating, (um....the guy who plays Kurt, perhaps? Or Ken Tanaka the Gym teacher?) because they started scanning my UPCs, Annabel was messing with the Trident and the Skittles, and I got kind of a dirty look from Edith, my friendly check-out gal that indicated to me with her eyes that, "I best either put that magazine on the belt and pay for it, or put it back for the paying customers." I chose the latter. Bill would be so proud that I didn't succumb to the tabloid smut.

It's called Personal Growth and Maturity, honey. I have fully embraced it.

Can I just say that I am a little uncomfortable with Gia and Vienna's "girls" just splayed all over my mostly G-rated blog? Put them away. Be a mystery. Less is more.

I didn't get to read much, because then Edith shut me down with her laser eyeballs. And I couldn't bring myself to actually spend money on that junk. (I can almost hear my friends Jan and Emily laughing at me for this statement.)

Oh, the exciting life of a mom running errands. The thrills go on and on, you guys. Remind me to regale you with stories of Costco sample time, and going back for yet another sample of the pita chips and dip, and having the older gentleman sample hocker stare me down and say, "Ma'am, are you going to buy this tzatziki dip?" No, kind sir, but my children and I just thought we'd take about ten more samples before we make the commitment to buy.

Okay. Time for me to get to my point.

Why Intelligent Happily Married Women Who Are Also Mothers of Four Children Who Have Much Better Ways To Spend Their Time, Watch Dumb, Unsuccessful Dating Shows and Delete Their Husband's DVR Timer for Chuck.

Sounds kind of bad when you put it that way, doesn't it?

Which brings me to my final point. If my daughter ever downloads an application form for this show on abc.com and applies for The Bachelor, Season 42, "Love In Space", Bill and I will have failed as parents.

Because my daughter, if you are reading this as a single adult someday, here's the thing. Dad and I do not ever want you to sign up for this show (or any other dating show) because,
  • You are not cattle. Dad and I did not brand your cute little tushie with a branding iron on the day you were born to make you part of a herd.
  • Never give your all your power away to a man. Do not sit idly by waiting to be chosen by a man, putting him in control of your destiny. Play a major role in your own destiny. Sure, you never know when or where you might meet your true love, but I'm pretty sure it's not going to be at an abc off-site studio-slash-luxurious mansion, behind a camera, with a production crew present.
  • I know this is an unpopular stance that will probably be even more unpopular in the year 2032 when you might be reading this, but too bad. I'm saying it anyway, because that's how my mama raised me. If he likes it, then he's gonna put a ring on it. So don't give it away until he puts a ring on it. Make that two rings.
  • And Sweetie? Make sure you find a wonderful, kind, forgiving man like your Dad, who adores his wife, and always, always forgives her when she chooses to delete his DVR timer for Chuck, in favor of a stupid reality TV show called the Bachelor. And he even forgives her after she remembers that DUH, we have a third television in this house and she could have easily DVRed Chuck on that TV. Okay?
Love,
Mom

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