Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Mama, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Goobers.

They really should have renamed this episode, "The Lady and the Tramp."

For obvious reasons.

First of all, mad props to Jake's family for "getting it" about Vienna and Tenley. Word to his mother.

NASA should somehow find a way to harness and use a woman's intuition. That's how powerful it is. I'm not saying that women all make snap judgments about people, but most of us women just get a feeling about people or situations, good or bad, and we are usually right. In other words, they're called "red flags," and they are "red" for a reason. Because they are supposed to warn you.

Vienna is one big red flag. She has red flags shooting out of every pore in her body. She has draped herself in a red flag and is dancing on top of another red flag. That's how much of a red flag she is.

It's not that men don't have intuition and use it properly. They just don't always think with their...ahem...BRAIN. Not all men, of course. Just some men. Jake said it himself when he, "wants to make sure that just because I'm so physically atttracted to Vienna that it's not kinda clouding or getting in the way of what my heart's telling me that I need in a wife." Of course, every relationship has to have attraction and chemistry. However, common values, goals and beliefs? Those are kinda important too, and Jake admitted that it is not his BRAIN he is using for the above-referenced thought process.

You're not supposed to think with that other organ, Jakey Cakes.

Poor Mrs. Pavelka. She must have eaten some bad goober peas when she was pregnant with her dear little Jakers, and her boy came down with a permanent case of "Gooberitis." When's the telethon for the cure? Can they line up some celebs for that, or are they all to busy with the really important causes, like Haiti Relief efforts? Dang.

Perhaps I can use my blog and my tens of readers for Gooberitis awareness. Here goes.

It's Gooberitis Awareness Week, peeps. There are Goobers in the world. Be aware.

Despite the fact that Jake's family seemed to "get it," I am convinced that ABC bribed them to be nice to Vienna and say that they loved her and say that she would be a "perfect fit". That's really the only explanation. I mean, come on. If I were sitting in a luxury villa in St. Lucia with my favorite people in the world, and some outsider (Vienna) came in to try to impress me, then sure, I'd probably say she is the bees knees too. Because of St. Lucia. And the beach. And the free trip. And the cameras. And the villa with the ocean breeze coming through the windows.

Wait. Hold on. I need some Scope. I just threw up in my mouth thinking about Jake and Vienna mud wrestling on their date to the sulphur springs.

Okay. All better now.

Oh wait. Pass the Scope again, please. I need to rinse and repeat. I just remembered that Vienna gave Jake the "Promise Ring" that her Dad gave her. You know, the one in which she promised her Dad not to be a slutbag anymore, and not to get married to someone for three weeks. Four weeks? That's cool. But three weeks is a total no-no. Right, Pops?

Hold on. I need to run to CVS for more Scope. I'm fresh out. I just thought of Jake's proposal to Vienna.

There is not enough Scope in all of CVS.

Sidenote to Tenley: You are much better off now. Much. 

Here is my major bone to pick with "The Bachelor". Imagine for a second that you and 24 other random girls from random backgrounds, random jobs, random upbringings, and all hailing from Randomtowns, USA, all stood in line together and then entered a random conference room in a random city. One random guy was led into the room. He was also from Randomtown, USA, and he had a random job, random religion, and came from a random family. Now really. What are the actual chances that you, and ALL of the other 24 random girls would fall madly in love with Sir Random Guy? Probably slim to none.

I agree with Jerry Seinfeld's character when he said on an episode of "Seinfeld" years ago that "95% of the population is undateable." At least to his standards. And it's okay to have standards. Because what fits into the 5% of what you would consider dateable wouldn't make it into another person's 5%. And that's okay. As my mom has always said, "There's a lid for every pot." So who says you should settle, and make a "lid" fit on your "pot", just because ABC picks some guy for you and throws you into a pit with 24 other bitches to let you battle it out?

That is why "The Bachelor" has such a low success rate. It becomes all about the competition with the girls. Their thinking is clouded. They want to be crowned Queen Prettiest Most Desirable to the Man, rather than finding the perfect lid to their pot. And once the cameras are off, they realize, "Hmm. This guy? I don't like him so much. He's kind of a goober."

The other load of crap that "The Bachelor" has been shoveling our way for the last few years is the fact that it's A-OK for the man that you are about to marry loves not only you but another woman almost equally. Really? Is it that hard to decide, Bachelors? Do you really need to hold two rings in your hand and play "eenie, meenie, minie, moe" with them? Because as a woman, I cannot think of anything more insulting. If you are married, think of the moment that your husband proposed to you. What if, just an hour before, he had a ring for his ex-girlfriend as well, but he decided, "Nope. I love you more. You win. I am the prize, and I have decided that you are worthy of me. Wanna make it official?"

As my mom also frequently says, while shaking her pointer finger with one hand and putting her other hand on her hip, "I DON'T THINK SO." Red flag? You just got hit in the face with one.

But will I stop watching? No. Because of the bitches. The crazy ones. And the Goobers.

If this season of the Bach has taught me anything, it is this:

Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be Goobers.

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