Monday, March 15, 2010

What have I become?

Fun Fact O' The Day About Clare: I ate a chocolate chip off the floor this morning.

Do you care?

Are you queasy?

Is your life better or worse?

I thought so.

Because I'm the self-anointed Queen of T.M.I., (at least in my own little corner of the internet) I was compelled to tell you this. And it's also a little embarrassing, so I thought, "Hey! Why don't I put it out there for the whole world to read!"

You know, like normal folk do when they are embarrassed about something.

I never thought I was the eating-food-off-the-floor kind of gal, but I honestly didn't even think anything of it until after I did it.

In my defense, I cleaned the floors myself this morning. They are somewhat sparkling. The floors might even be cleaner than my counters. But still. It's a floor. Where people walk. Wearing dirty shoes that have trod lordy-knows-where. Probably in some kind of poo product.

Not that poo is a product. It's really more of a by-product. But you know. You get it.

Yet another reason to ban shoes indoors.

My daughter was eating a delectable, over-sized chocolate chip cookie that my mom baked this weekend with the kids when she came to town for an impromptu visit. As she walked around the kitchen where I was filling the dishwasher, leaving crumbs in her wake, I saw a little chocolate morsel dropped off the cookie and onto the floor. Never one to let a perfectly good piece of chocolate go to waste, I immediately leaned down, picked up the chocolate, popped it in my mouth and then continued to load up the dishwasher.

I invoked the power of the five-second rule.

It didn't sink in until a few seconds later that what I did was mostly disgusting. But let's face it. It's not like it's the first time it has happened.

My kids are sloppy eaters.

As the realization set in that I, Clare, ate a piece of food directly off of the...ahem...FLOOR, I wondered exactly at what point in my life did I decide to lower my standards to a whole new level of low? Because not only do I occasionally eat cold, left over, half-eaten chicken nuggets off my kids' plates, but now I'm eating food off the floor?

Shame on me.

But I'm a busy mom who apparently has low standards for the food that I eat. And it was kind of yummy and milk chocolatey.

I didn't always used to be this way. In my not so distant past, I could never foresee a day when it would be okay in my mind to eat the breakaway crumbs and morsels of SOMEONE ELSE'S FOOD off the floor. At one point in my adult life, I used to dine more frequently in restaurants without kiddie menus, and I would have fascinating adult conversations with other adults that didn't usually end with statements like, "I can't wait to go home and steam clean my carpets today! Rock on!" I also never had to bribe said adults with promises of dessert if they would, "go ahead and eat two-and-three-quarters more bites of that chicken, then you can have that yummy dessert!"

As if.

I still enjoy a gourmet meal in a restaurant when I can get it. But I will take my chocolate chips directly off the floor, please.

Really. I'm a gal with a my fair share of healthy brain matter up in the ol' cranium. Yet why didn't it also occur to me that if these boys of mine have a slight peeing-on-the-bathroom-floor problem that I may have mentioned...oh...say...8,765 times, then I PROBABLY shouldn't eat little, brown, turd-like pieces of food off the floor? That is not an idea I should get behind.

Actually, come to think of it, that's the most convincing argument against eating food off the floor that I have ever heard.

Lesson learned.

No, you cannot have this life o' glamour that I lead. But thanks for asking.

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