Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Whatever, Mega-Millions winners. Whatever.

My Wednesday morning started off with a huge shock.

Hold onto your laptops.

I did not win the Mega-Millions $355,000,000 jackpot.

Of course, I totally thought we had it in the bag.

You know, what with the odds completely being in our favor and all.

Shut up statisticians.

What? Eleventy kajillion-bazillion to one? I don't care who you are. Those are great odds.

When I awoke this morning, I flipped on the news, ready to see my numbers displayed on the screen. However, I soon learned that two people, one from Washington and one from Idaho, will split the pot.

My pot.

I demand a recount.

Or a re-draw.

Or whatever it is they call it when the numbered ping-pong balls shoot up the air-powered tube.

The lottery has shattered my dreams, y'all.

This is why Bill and I rarely buy lottery tickets. We have a policy to never buy them unless the jackpot is huge. And by "huge," we're talking in the 200 million range. Yes, we know this thinking is flawed. We are well aware that it is completely illogical. Such thinking is dumb. It's like thumbing our nose at the lottery commission with a, "Whatever. $12 million? Who needs that?"

Or, "Oh, now the jackpot is $78 million? No thanks, lottery commission. You can keep that paltry amount of coin."

Or, "The jackpot has now climbed to $137 million? Hmm. Interesting, but not interesting enough. We have no use for such chump change."

Or, "Now it's $196 million? Close, but if you think I'm going to part with a whole dollar for that amount, then you have another think coming."

But, "$225 million? Now you have Mama's attention."

And, "$355 million?!? You had me at the number 3, lottery commission. For that jackpot? I will part with $5.00. Mama's feeling loose with her money today."

The shock of not winning the Mega-Millions this morning so completely bowled me over, that I was rendered speechless and fell into a fog of depression so deep that even Regis and Kelly and their cheerful banter could not cure. After managing to pull myself up off the floor and realizing that I would not be spending the morning speaking with realtors from the island of Maui about the vacation home that Bill and I were ready to pay cold, hard, cash for thanks to our windfall, I said to myself, "Girl, snap out of it. Life is still worth living. There are many things way more exciting than winning the Mega-Millions, and it's about time you do some of them."

Which I did.

So while two very lucky Mega-Millions winners from Washington and Idaho were shouting their triumphant shouts of joy up and down the American West, I was sounding my barbaric YAWP across the rooftops and cornfields of the Midwest. (Finally a chance to reference "Dead Poets Society" in my blog!)

Because of this.

And this.

It's Word Up Wednesday, and I organized my junk drawers, y'all.

While Idaho and Washington were claiming their checks, I was immersed in junk.

I guess that winning $355 million would be fun. Kind of. But organizing junk drawers?

Now that's a party, yo.

Who's the lucky one now, Idaho and Washington?

Tag. I'm it.

No backsies.

Enjoy your piles of cash, Mega-Millions winners.

Sure, I am not $355 million richer. But my stapler has a place. So do my paper clips. And would you look at all those batteries?

Sure, I will not be going out tomorrow to buy a custom Maserati. But didn't you get the memo? I drive a sexy, black Honda Odyssey, complete with stray pieces of Goldfish crackers ground into the carpets. And do Maseratis have sliding doors, extra cargo space, and DVD players that apparently are only capable of playing movies that appeal to shorties?

I think not.

Who wants to stand on a podium and hold an over-sized check when you can stand over a junk drawer all, "So that's where my favorite makeup brush is!" and, "Oh lost earring! How I have missed you!"

I guarantee you, it's thrilling.

Simply thrilling.

Whatever, Mega-Millions winners.



  1. Right on--and I don't even have the organized junk drawer. Rick and I are the same way....I need to see a lotta zeros for it to get my attention. I ordered Rick to go buy some--threatened---bc you know if he forgot to plunk down the big 5 spot and someone from NH won...there wouldda been HELL.TO.PAY. because naturally that would have been OUR ticket!

    Maybe we didn't win, but we weren't struck by lightning either, so I'm feeling lucky anyway!

  2. You know, I thought I wanted to win that lottery drawing as well, but now that I've read what you have to say, you're right. Who needs it, there is too much to do in my house to go hold some oversized check. Right.

  3. You are so funny! I really like the way your thinking about whether or not you'll buy a lottery ticket. I totally agree- WHO NEEDS $78 MILLION??

    Cute junk drawers.

    And I did sass up those pajama pants. :)

  4. I like that, who needs 78 million when you have organized junk drawers? I didn't win either (rarely enter). It was a fun dream though, wasn't it?


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