Is the sky up? Is Santa fat? Is the sun hot? Am I still watching The Bachelor?
Yes, yes, yes.
You know you are watching it too, because it is the eleventy fortieth season of this show, and it exists because we still watch.
Or, the whole show is just a vast conspiracy concocted on behalf of the the rose growers of America.
Anyway, I know you watch, and if you say you don't, then you are either:
a.) a stinkin' liar, and actually DVR-ing the crap out of this show, or
b.) telling the truth, and you possess a tremendous amount of willpower, and therefore, you need to bottle up all that willpower, slap a label on that puppy, and sell it to me, because clearly? I have none.
We groan and complain and ask ourselves why we watch this show. We acknowledge that it treats women like herd of cattle. We scoff at the idea that people can really find love in this setting.
Yet we watch. Just because we want to see if it's possible.
So, yes, I watch the Bachelor, and yes, I am a strong, intelligent woman. I am a happy wife, mother, and contributing member of society.
Who watches the Bach.
Deal with it.
Brad seems like a stand-up guy who is in it to win it. Sure, there were the little matters of check fraud and forgery (Thank you, grocery store tabloid!) he was convicted of years ago, but really, what's a little fraud and forgery among friends, people? Brad is a changed man, he wants us to know it, and let's face it. What is an interesting reality show character without a checkered past? Because that, right there, is why I would make a boring reality show character, what with my law-abiding ways and all.
However, like I said, Brad seems like the bees knees, but ABC really needs to cool it with the whole, "Most hated man in America" schtick. Because murderers, ABC. And bad guys. And must I keep going with this list?
Drama much, ABC?
I guess that's a rhetorical question. Because that's the point. The drama.
Why would we hate Brad for doing what no Bachelor has done yet, and that is, pick NO ONE on his first go-around? To pick no one takes guts. Chutzpah. Sure, it's not the most popular or desired outcome on this show, but better to say, "I don't pick either girl," rather than lead a girl on, propose, and then two weeks later I'm standing at the grocery store, minding my biz, when I am greeted by tabloid covers proclaiming that, ohnohowcrazyknockmeoverwithafeather, The Bachelor and his gal are history! Kaput! Splitsville!
Like we didn't see that one coming.
Realistically, if someone put 25 dresses in front of me, and they said, "Pick just one and love it!" I'm not sure that it would happen. But people are supposed to pick their partner for life this way? What are the chances that your soul mate is in that group of 25? Because really, the pool has already been polluted a bit by ABC as they throw a couple dashes of downright cri-za-zy into the mix, which lessens the pool of realistic candidates to about 20-ish people.
Not that I'm naming names.
But you know of whom I speak.
That is, if you watch.
Which I know you do.
Anyway, enough of the apologizing, Brad Womack. We get it. You didn't pick anyone. America was let down. But I assure you, we got over it in about 5 minutes, once we remembered, "Oh yeah! We have real lives! And real issues! And real problems! None of which involve The Bachelor!"
You are just a diversion to us, Bachelor.
An entertaining diversion.
Or, as Brad says at least 100 times per episode, it is, "A--MA--ZING".
Well, not really, but I just wanted to point out that he says, "amazing" frequently. Like all the time.
Sure, most of the situations are contrived and unrealistic, because who goes zip-lining on a first date? Or for a spin on the Pacific Coast Highway in a Lamborghini? Or on a shopping spree with unlimited credit? Or to a funeral home to see how a body is embalmed?
Well, actually, I did the funeral home thing.
Bill grew up in a funeral home as the son of a mortician, and when we were in college and dating, we went to the funeral home with his dad (no longer their family home, but still the family place of business at the time) and they showed me the embalming room.
No, there was not a body in the room. Yes, it is as scary as it looks on television, with big needles and drains and tubes and contraptions.
Like Brad, I almost ran screaming for the hills.
But I fell head over heels in love with the guy anyway, and thanked my lucky stars that he chose the business world for his profession instead of the dead body profession.
Clearly, Brad could not deal with Shawntel's chosen profession, and you can't really blame the guy, because if your heart's not in it, it's just not in it. Just like his heart is into the mature and pretty Emily, but he cannot form a complete sentence around her to save his life, which is why he will probably choose Chantal.
I have it all figured out.
Because I still watch this show.
Because I can't help it.
I need a brainless escape.
And I know you do too.